The Bottom Isn't Deep Enough
by TrueBlood Twilight
Summary: Written as entry for the Black Balloon Contest, the story is about a young couple torn by events that take place in their lives. Can the couple reconcile and put the pain of their past behind them?


**The Black Balloon Contest**

**Title: The Bottom Is Not Deep Enough**

**Your pen name: TrueBlood Twilight**

**Characters: Edward, Bella, & Alice**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters to Twilight, though no copyright infringement intended.**

**Rated M for adult lan****guage and content; some reference to drug use. ****AH**

**Thank you to my two Betas; TwiTwi1 for her amazing edits and KP for her mad proofreading reading skills.**

* * *

The sun was setting, and the little glimpse I had gotten of it, seemed to burn my eyes. I had just woken up. I rubbed my face incessantly, as if each stroke somehow lifted the layers of disgust that seemed to have settled on my face. My life had spiraled out of control these few months, and each sunset was an awakening to a beast that lay dormant in my soul. A demon that possessed me, that sought to destroy me. An entity removing me from my old life, placing me into the leather grips of another, a loveless existence.

I stripped off the remnants of the previous night, and naked, I hopped into the shower, turning on the water and letting it pour over me. I stood there as the chill swept over my skin, punishing myself as the cold water cascaded down my body. As the temperature rose, steam enveloped me, surrounding me in a wet pit of fire. My body was shocked from the extremes, but I didn't give a fuck. I reached out with my right hand and studied myself on the dirtied tiles, allowing a few minutes of the now scalding water to run down my face, my chest, and my thighs. Burn me, if you will, I whispered to myself.

When I finally had enough, I finished up in the bathroom and threw a towel around my waist, and headed back into my bedroom. As I stepped back onto the soiled carpet I looked around at the filth. My studio felt diseased with the walls burnishing brown stains of shit, for the lack of a better description. My hygiene these days, was bordering on similarities of a child in a third world country, and my cleaning habits, non existent. I pushed aside the stained clothes lying around the floor and pulled a black box from underneath my bed. In it held a mirror, a rolled dollar bill, and small bag of coke. I inhaled, filling my lungs with grief, as the demon pulled on my arms and fingers like a marionette would pull on puppets. Could I stop him, dump the drugs in the toilet, probably so, but did I want to? Not in a fucking million years. Not now, not today.

I set the mirror atop a pile of books near my bed, the only items in the room, that should I die, revealed I had once been a person of substance, a thinker, a philosopher, a lover of history. I had once been a college student, absorbed in my essays, my campus, my escape if you will. Drugs were now my new escape, my new prison. I was self loathing and destined for inner destruction.

I bent over snorting two lines, allowing the burn to rush past my nostrils, down my throat and instantly throughout my body. And just like that, I had become agitated and numb, a lethal combination. I threw the wet towel that was around my waist to the floor, adding it to the rubbish that seemed to be overtaking my little 600 square-foot prison.

Near my books lay my iPod, and I grabbed hold of it, lying unclothed on my bed. Unable to close my eyes, my head against my pillow, I released my angst, by listening to loud music, searching for Dead Kennedys, Social Distortion, anything to murder my thoughts. Danzig; Twist of Cain... I hit play, and thought how appropriately the song seemed to magically appear. Then as if transported, my inner demon began to dance to the introduction of the drums, the words, the music.

_I can feel it move me  
Feel it shove me  
As I break the law  
Said yeah  
I can feel its jabbing  
Cuts the numbness then I  
I come alive_

My heart began beating at an uncontrollable pace, as the drug seeped through my blood, and in and around my mind. My fingers began twitching, yet I forced myself to lie there, and let the words command me, beckon me to its will.

After a few songs, my body could tolerate no more and I eased myself up, throwing my headphones behind me. Just as I did that, my cell phone rang. _Alice. _"Fuck you bitch, not tonight." I hit ignore, and grabbed the jeans closest to me. I threw on a t-shirt that read 'Jesus is my homie', black Nike's and grabbed my keys. As the dark brings the shadows, let me be one of them.

The studio I lived in, was atop a string of retail shops in a pretty rough neighborhood. Big time inner city, but it was only a stone's throw away to the nearest bars in LA and after losing my job, it was all I could afford. As I shut the black Iron Gate that secured the stairs leading to my apartment, I reminded myself, _you put yourself here._

Around in these parts, I didn't have to worry about metered parking, and not because the city didn't want to take over these streets, but simply cause they didn't care. You'd be lucky if you saw a cop and if you did, it was usually over domestic violence and the incident needed to be pretty bad for them to actually come out.

I hopped into my used Civic, and started the car. Again, my phone began to ring and I pulled it out from the back pocket of my jeans. _Alice. _"Fuck... leave me alone bitch!" I muttered as I threw the phone on the passenger seat. I lifted the center compartment and pulled out my ID. I had to check, because frankly I didn't remember what I had done with it. The previous night, I drank a half bottle of Jack Daniels and didn't even make it up my stairs. The side of my car still bore the remnants of that night.

I took off and noticed how black the night appeared. "No moon, huh," I whispered, as I tried scanning every window in attempt to find it. Then as I pulled up to a red light, there she was, large and full. "That's weird, a full moon. Luna... tics." I spat.

The first dive bar I pulled up to was one where the shots were cheap and the beer came in a pitcher. I walked in like I had a vendetta, and looked over at the bartender. Same guy every night, he nodded to me without speaking a word, and threw a shot glass of bourbon in front of me. I pulled myself onto the stool, and threw it back, sliding the empty container back at him for a refill. We did this, wordless a few times, till I felt a slight buzz. The fucked up thing about it, was being on coke. I was high, but never high enough and the alcohol didn't seem to get me drunk enough.

As the night lingered on, I left and headed to a club a few blocks away. It had a techno punk feel to it with a hint of house music. I liked it because the music blared and they used black lights, creating an atmosphere of anonymity. Instantly I became faceless, as I pushed up through the stairs, the crowd pushing back. I fought my way to the bar, and began drinking some more. As I let the liquid spill down my throat, a sense of time, ceased to exist. My world blurred, as a hand came up from behind me, and massaged at my lower back.

I turned, and leaned into the warmth of her body, her breast, nearly spilling out over her corset. She licked the back side of my ear, and I didn't care who she was, what she was, I fucking wanted her. I grabbed her hand, and pulled her through the sea of people, elbowing my way to the back rooms. I kicked open the men's restroom and pulled her in, pushing her up against the wall, as I pulled her top down. Her exposed nipples, hardened as I aggressively pinched them, leaning down to them, sucking on both the flesh, and the erect nodules of tissue. I bit at them, pulling them with my teeth, as she screamed in pain... as she screamed in pleasure.

Soon after, a bouncer walked in and lifted me by my arms, throwing us both out, of not only the bathroom, but the club itself. I stood there wasted near the line that was forming to get in, and yelled back to the bouncer that I was going to kick his fucking ass when he got off work. The girl that I had been with put her arm around my waist and whispered in my ear. I nodded and we began walking towards my car.

How I drove home, I'll never know, but there we were, standing at my gate. Fumbling with the keys, I dropped them. The girl picked them up and unlocked not only the security gate but my front door. I guess she wanted it as much as I did, because once inside, she threw me on the bed and crawled on top of me.

The next morning, I felt my head, as the throbbing pain pierced at whatever lay beneath my eyebrows. Then the knocking on the door started. "Who the fuck..." I growled, as I looked over to the sleeping body next to me. "Oh I forgot about that," I whispered to myself. I took in the large tattoo that encompassed the upper portion of this girl's back_. Hot._

Then the yelling started, "Open this fucking door now. I know you're in there. Open now_!" Shit... fucking Alice. _

I got up slowly, while the bone crushing pangs of my ill-fated night, pummeled my head. _Drinking... Drinking I liked, it was the waking up part that I hated, and maybe the next time, I just wouldn't wake up. _

I opened the door, realizing it wasn't even locked to begin with when Alice flew in, "Why didn't you pick up your phone? I was worried about you."

"Alice nothing has changed, I'm still as rancid as I was the day before and the day before that. What do you want from me?" I said, rubbing my eyes that felt like they were covered in haze.

"I'm your sister, you stupid bitch, and I've been trying to call you to tell you that Edward's been in an accident. He was in the hospital, but they let him leave yesterday. He's back at your apartment, asking for you. Bella, I've been trying to get a hold of you for days. What the fuck have you been doing?" Just then, she noticed the blonde laying naked in my bed.

"Jesus fucking Christ Bella, are you that stupid?" She spat, as she walked over to the nameless figure, who was now was fully awake.

"I'm leaving; you don't need to say it. Bella? Is that your name? Thanks for last night," And like that, she got herself dressed, grabbed her shoes, and walked out. Alice, who was now furious, turned towards me.

"What. The. Fuck. Is wrong with you. Edward breaks up... ," she started in but without letting her finish, I retaliated back. "He didn't just break up with me, Alice. He dumped me after we lost the baby!!" And with those words, I spun around and headed for my black box.

"Oh no you don't, not today. Give me this shit Bella, you're through with this. No man, is worth any of this. Look at yourself. You live in a shit box, you dress like a boy, your doing coke, and you have no job. What happened to you? You let him take all this from you! Your life! Bella, I know losing the baby was hard, but don't you want to try again... someday. Maybe not with him, but fuck Bella. With someone! Life goes on, and it doesn't mean you didn't love the baby any less, she'll always be with you. I promise. No matter how many kids you have one day, you.. me.. Mom.. We'll never forget Nessie," And then Alice fell to the ground, and threw her face against the side of the mattress. "You're hurting mom, Bella, why?" She sobbed.

Still to hung over, I realized my eyes didn't ever water. Not even for a split second. Seeing my sister crouched on the floor, tore at me, but not to the point of remorse. I had so much hatred for Edward, and what he had done to me; I could give a shit, if he was in a full body cast. In fact, I begged for it, and looked up at the plastered ceiling. "Please God, if you are just. I hope Edward is in so much pain, and that his suffering causes him to go mad. Amen."

Alice stopped crying and looked up at me, "If you hate Edward so much, then go see him. Remind him of what he lost."

"As if he'd care if I walked away now. He left me... at the hospital, with a note that he didn't want to see me anymore. At the fucking hospital! I had just lost Renesmee, Alice. How could he do that, when I needed him the most? I didn't even show up for work... I never went back. I didn't even grab my shit, I just bailed. I don't think I could ever forgive him for what he made go through alone. If I could have died, I would have."

"You're trying to kill yourself still, Bella. The drugs, the promiscuity, don't you care anymore? It's like the bottom isn't deep enough for you." Exasperated, Alice grabbed my black box and threw it against the wall. I watched it hit, tearing into the drywall and then fall to the ground. The mirror slid out, without even breaking and the little bag of coke stayed intact. I looked over at Alice, who seemed possessed at the moment, "This shit will kill you! And by the way, you're now fucking women, Bella? You're a lesbian, or do you even give a shit?" Alice yelled as she walked over to the paraphernalia, crushing the mirror with her heel, and flushing the remainder of the coke down the toilet.

"Alice... I just need... you to get the fuck out!" I barked, now furious that she thought she could saunter into my life, now, and tell me how to live it. When I lost the baby, Alice was on the east coast, living with her boyfriend Jasper at the time. Apparently, my bad habits caused her to break things off with him and move back home at the request of my mother. Of course Alice was bitter. She had no idea.

"No, I won't leave! I won't leave because you yelled it. I won't leave if you whisper it, I won't leave! Get it! I'm here! And I love you Bella! Stop hurting yourself." And again the tears flowed. She wiped them hastily and walked up to me, throwing her arms around me. "I love you Bella," she cried.

The demon inside me crawled to its corner as I lifted my frail arms, scabbed from drug use, and put my arms too, around Alice. The tears that I had laughed off, the tears that had run dry now welled up as I held her. "I don't know what to do anymore, Alice. It hurts. It hurts so much. I can't take it anymore... Why did my baby die? I want my baby!" I wailed, as my emotions came flooding out, spilling over my sister, over my mouth, over my eyes. I couldn't breathe, and the pain in my chest was too cumbersome, but finally I had let it go. Finally I could see it, touch it, feel it. I wanted my baby. Renessme was a stillborn, and the sight of seeing my dead child just about ripped my heart from its cavity. I have never felt that much pain, but then when I thought it couldn't get worse, I read Edward's letter. He wasn't even there to bury his own daughter.

"Shh, it's going to be alright. I'm taking you back to moms." Alice said, but I shook my head repeatedly 'no'. If I saw any pictures of myself while I was pregnant...I can't say what I would do. "Bella, Mom knows. Just let me get you out of this rat trap and somewhere safe." As she said that, she lifted my wrist. "You're all skin and bones, Bella. When was the last time you ate?"

I kept my gaze down, looking at a suspicious stain on the carpet near my mattress.

"Bella, food? When have you eaten any?"

"I don't know. I'm not hungry, I suppose the day before yesterday." Alice's eyes grew wide, as she reached for her keys in her purse, and yanked on my arm, pulling me out the front door.

"As far as I'm concerned, this crap can burn in this apartment. We're leaving now, and first things first. You're eating." And at that, she flipped her cell phone open and called Mom. She warned her that we were on our way, and to have something warm ready for me on the table.

As I sat in the passenger seat of her car, I looked out the window, and tried to recall the last time that I had been out during the day. It had been quite some time. The sun draped through the tinted window, and covered my face in warmth, almost as if the sun was sending out an invitation, just to me.

*********

As we pulled into the driveway of my mother's house, I could see her standing on the porch, her lips pursed, her arms crossed. I had said some harsh things to her when she tried to intervene, and I knew that I had some mending to do. I tried my best to smile, but those muscles felt like they were dead, atrophied if you will.

I took in a deep breath and walked up the two steps to be standing directly in front of my mother. I saw her eyes tear up, but she swallowed, as if she was trying her best to be firm. It was that same look that she would give me when I had done something wrong, and she didn't have the heart to scold me. I nervously parted my lips, "Mama... I'm sorry," and then I too did my best to hold it in because I could see the pain in my mother's eyes, almost as she too, had lost a child. She had, she lost me.

Just like that, she stepped down and put her arms around me, pushing away my hair, and kissing at my cheeks. "My baby, you're home. Mama's here, and I'm going to make it right. You just tell me what you need, and I'll get it for you."

She held me, tight, as if I might disappear at any moment. When she pulled back, I could see my dad standing behind her, his head held high. "Daddy, " I said, through tear filled eyes. He came down too, and put his arms around me.

"Bells," he whispered.

Alice, waiting patiently behind us, started to push at my back, as she reminded everyone that I needed to eat. Embarrassed by my state of being, I literally slithered in through the living room and into the dining room. My mother had grilled me a piece of chicken, baked potato, and broccoli with cheese. All the comforts of home, _home_. My parents still lived in the same house that I grew up in, a single level three bedroom ranch style home in Anaheim. The house itself, small, but the lot, amazingly large, and I can often remember being in the backyard from morning till evening, climbing up our apricot tree. My mother would have to call out to me, and beg me to come in to eat. _Home indeed_.

The next few days, more or less, I spent locked up in my bedroom, either sleeping, or at the table being fed an exorbitant amount of food by my mother. I guess she didn't care what I did, as long as I was there with her. By the end of the week, she had my hair cut, my toes and nails manicured/pedicure, and my slender figure fitted with a new wardrobe. If I had been 16, it would have been awesome, but I wasn't. I was 26, a recovering alcoholic, and now only a week sober.

That night, I couldn't sleep. My body had been used to prowling at dark that it was going to take some time, just to adjust my clock to a normal schedule, one that actually allowed me to rise with the sun, instead of awakening at its departure.

I crawled onto the couch, and started skimming the channels for horror flicks. Nothing, but infomercials, I sighed, as I peered at the clock, 3 am. This brought a sort of sinister giggle, as it reminded me of my youth, lying in bed at night, while my mother read to me, her favorites. Ray Bradbury... I could picture her now, as she went in to her low witch-like voice, trying desperately to instill fear in me, as she described three am, as the closest time the body was to death. _Interesting._

As I reached for one of the pillows, I heard a stirring behind me, and out came my mother. "I had this weird feeling you'd be up," my mother whispered. She then handed me a cup of tea.

"Mom, I hate tea, you know that, but thank you anyway." I said.

"Yeah, you hate a lot of things, but I can't seem to keep track of them these days. It's sleepy time tea; it'll help ease your nerves. I even sweetened it for you, taste it."

I stuck out my tongue at the thought of one of her herbal teas, but I blew a few puffs of air, and sipped the hot liquid in. It was sweet, and funny thing is, just what I needed. "It's good, thanks," I finally said, as I looked up at her like a child would after being given a cup of hot cocoa.

"Want me to read to you, sweetie," she asked as she walked over and played with my hair?

"No, mom, go to bed. I'm just restless, but it'll pass. I'm just used to going out every night, so my body is just set for this time." It had been about three months since Edward left me, three months since the baby died. Even though I was weak the first few weeks, I didn't lay still. I was in a world of pain, and I sought refuge immediately from that of a bottle.

She pursed her lips in disapproval, but didn't say a word. She just bent over and kissed my forehead, and off she went, disappearing down into the dark hall of my childhood home.

I sat up, eager to get some fresh air, and went out into the backyard to finish drinking my tea. The air nipped at my nose, and suddenly I realized that I had never been concerned about how cold it actually is at night, because I was always too drunk to even notice. I pulled out a patio chair and took a seat, kicking my heels up onto the table, while looking for the moon.

Then out of nowhere, the dark clouds dissipated, and out from beneath, the moon, not completely full, but substantially bright, appeared. I felt in awe of its beauty, and for once, was seeing it differently than I had these last few months. I leaned back comfortably in the chair, still gazing at the moon, and thought about Edward.

*************

**Edward's POV**

I woke up from the shooting pain that riddled my leg. It had been broken about a week ago from a really bad car accident, and though for the most part, I was released from the hospital, my body was in protest, as my neck, my head, my back throbbed at various times in agony.

I suppose I was lucky that I was able to walk away with only a broken leg, but my Volvo was totaled by a full size Dodge Pick-up that simply didn't stop at the light, ramming me from behind. The back of my car, smashed in all the way to the front seat. I overheard one of the police officers commenting on how fortunate I was, that no one was in the back.

I hobbled on my crutches to the kitchen, and grabbed a drink of water, and a vicodin. As I swallowed my pill something caught my eye. The clock near my telephone was blinking, like there had been an outage that I wasn't aware of. The constant flashing of 3 am, felt like it was searing at my retinas. Maybe because it was bright red and the room was pitch-dark, but either way, I was too groggy to fix it, and decided to step out on my balcony for some fresh air.

It took me a few minutes, but when I managed to make it out, I sat conveniently on one of my taller bar stools that I had hated so much when Bella bought them. Now, here I was thankful that I didn't have to fall into a low seat. If Bella were here, she'd have a field day with that one.

I looked up into the dark sky, and took notice of the slightly full moon. The cloud cover had just faded, and suddenly the evening flooded with a soft moonlight. As I stared at the celestial body, I felt the stabs of remorse that tore at my heart. My mind began to drift as thoughts of Bella began to overwhelm me.

_"Mr. Cullen. I am so sorry," The nurse said, tears in her eyes. I imagine working in a hospital meant you'd seen your fair share of misery, but this was different. The baby hadn't even taken __her first breath, or opened her eyes to her mother. Nothing._

_That evening was blurry, as Bella cried herself to sleep, and I pac__ed back and forth, allowing no one to come near me to tell me that they were sorry. To tell me they empathized with me. As the morning neared, my thoughts became erratic, irrational, and unreasonable, as I blamed myself for Renesmee's death. _

_My mother had died from breast cancer at 42, and three years later, my father from a heart attack. My family was cursed with bad health, with both my grandparents dying young as well from heart disease. Though you have a sense of 'but that's not you' Bella still teased me over it. She'd make remarks, saying that she'd wish she had requested my health records before falling in love with me. Her words would later haunt me._

_In my grief, I assumed it was __my entire fault, my fucked up genetics. Bella should never have to go through that again... never with me. I vowed to leave her, allow her to find someone new, somebody unbroken. Someone that could bless her with a child, a child that reflected Bella's own perfections. _

_I hastily wrote her a note, penning only my cryptic thoughts, and left her with her family and friends; and in my heart, hopefully her new life. _

When I woke up that morning, I grabbed my cell phone to call Alice. The accident being as severe as it was had been a wakeup call of sorts. The last few months were brutal, and I was losing all sense of reality. I felt like a ghost, drifting in and out of my life, only eating when I needed to, and sleeping away the rest. I didn't return any phone calls, and had stopped paying the bill on my home phone all together, only keeping my cell phone contract active, and funny enough, Bella's phone as well.

"Hello."

"Alice, it's me, Edward. Is everything alright? Is Bella?" I questioned.

I heard a long sigh, and then a few moments of silence. "I don't think that's really my position to tell you about Bella, and how she's doing. But I did mention to her that you had been in an accident and wanted to see her."

My heart skipped, as fear took a hold of me, "Fuck. What did she say? She hates me, doesn't she? Am I too late?"

"Too late? Edward, you're joking right? You must be fucking joking, because you could not be that goddamn stupid. You left her at the hospital; didn't I remind you of this, last time you called me? I really don't think it's a good time for you to be asking to see her."

Alice had every right to be angry, and this was only the beginning of the shit I would have to endure. Whatever Bella went through, I had no idea, cause like Alice said, I left her at the hospital. I had no right to be in her life, no right at all. What I did to her was unthinkable, but I was scared, hurt, and angry. I had blamed myself for Renesmee's death, and it was because of her death, the woman I loved, the woman I would die for, was in this much pain. Without thinking, without any reason, I left, hoping that Bella would heal mentally, and find someone new, someone normal. Fucked up, doesn't even come close to describing what I did to Bella. At this point, I was just hoping that she would spare a few moments with me, so that I could explain my feelings. Desperation in me was building, and all I asked, all I wanted, was just to see her face.

"Alice please, I just need to see her one more time. Tell her how very sorry I am; explain to her why I left."

Again, Alice remained on the phone in silence. I knew she was thinking of the right choice of words, because she had already unleashed a slur of curse words the first time I called her. "Edward, I left my boyfriend back East to come out and find Bella. My mother has a bleeding ulcer from the crap Bella has put her through. Do you even understand the pain this family has had to endure, because you got a hair up your ass and left? Did you ever think about Bella when you wrote her that chicken shit note?"

"I did that for Bella!" I cried.

"You did that for yourself, you coward, not for Bella!" Alice retaliated.

"I'm sorry Alice, please," I begged.

"I make no guarantees." _Click._

I felt agitated from our conversation, which then triggered the pain in my head. I reached over for the bottle on the table, and threw two back, thinking about Bella and if she would even dare see me again. I lay back down, and closed my eyes.

*************

**Bella's POV**

It was almost 4 pm when I finally woke up. "Damn it, at least the sun is still up," I muttered. I hopped in the shower, sitting on the floor, even after sleeping all day; I was too tired to even stand. This time, the water seemed to soothe me as if it was washing away the impurities. I closed my eyes as I thought about my life, the shit I had put my parents through. I wouldn't say I was on my way to recovery, but I felt like I had finally reached that fork, and soon enough, I hoped that I would finally drive down that road. I put my head between my legs and began to pray. I simply wanted to be Bella, whoever that may be, but a sense of dread took over me as I pondered about that young girl, the one that was very much in love with Edward, the one that was proud to be pregnant with a baby girl on the way. That Bella, I feared, was dead and had died when I had seen Renesmee's lifeless body.

As I dried off my hair, I threw on some shorts and a t-shirt, and went over to my mother's room, to let her know I was up. Her door was shut, and I could hear the soft sounds of whimpering. She was crying. I lightly tapped on the door, asking if I could come in. I heard her get up, and unlock her door, opening it, while keeping her head down. She hated me seeing her cry, and I could remember, even if it was a commercial, looking over at Renee, and there she'd be, tearing up from the words to a song, or clip in a movie. I'd always point it out, and she'd get terribly mad at me for making fun of her. This time, I didn't even think about it, I put my arms around her, and closed her door behind me. I walked her back towards the bed, and without a word, we both crawled back in.

After about an hour of us lying there, my mother finally spoke, a whisper in my ear, "Bella?"

"Mmm," I said, almost drifting off.

"Will you stay, here, so I can take care of you," she asked.

"For now mom, I don't know, " I paused, "I don't know how to pick up the pieces. It still hurts, I still think of him... You know he wants to see me, did Alice tell you about that?"

"She did, and as much as I want to forbid you from ever seeing that man again, a part of me wants you to heal, to face your past, to see Edward. It won't ever stop Bella, until the two of you talk. You need to confront him, tell him what you've been through, and make him understand the pain that you've endured. I know I have a few choice words for him."

"So you want me to tell him to fuck off, basically?"

"Hey I didn't say those exact words, but you know what Bella, yeah, I do want you to say that to him! I know it helps when I get pissed at your dad," my mother smiled.

"Mom, it's so dark, where I am. I just don't know," I muttered. "You tell dad to fuck off?"

"All the time, Bella, especially when he's back seat driving," she replied, a small smile upon her lips. Then her look became serious once again, "Edward needs to hear those words from you, he needs to know what he did, where you've been, how you feel. Then take it for what it's worth, what's done is done. I would never put you in harms way, so believe me, if I didn't think seeing him would help, I'd... "

"I get it mom, it's fine. No need to explain," I exhaled, "We'll see."

"Bella, just know this. I carried you for nine months, and raised you, your entire life. You're my baby, and I will defend you fiercely, even if it costs me my health. I will not bury you, and just so you know, you'll end up taking me with you," My mom began to cry.

"Mom... I won't, I mean, I promise. I can't say I'm not mental, but I'm not looking to kill myself. Please mom, don't cry, I'm not trying to hurt you," I said.

It was as if my mother and I had a connection, because when I said those words, she calmed. She knew how bad I had been, before I came here, but she also knew I didn't bull shit her either, and I never lied to her. I think hearing myself say it aloud, seem to be healing as well to me, and I just needed to focus on what really mattered in life, and who that was.

Just then, I heard a light knock on the door, and in came Alice. She crawled in between my mother and I, just like she would do when she was younger. I may have hit her back a few times with my fist since Alice was no longer the little, long legged baby of the family.

"Ouch Bella, stop it," Alice said, while a smirk crept out from my lips.

"Then scoot your bony ass over," I replied.

"Both of you girls, shut up," my mother said, always the one to end the fights between me and my sister, sometimes sounding just as bad as we did, with her slip up of curse words, or abruptness in the way she spoke. Alice leaned back and looked at me, smiling, as I threw my arms around her, and within minutes, the three of us fell into a light slumber.

When I awoke, I was alone, and the room was completely dark. I sauntered back to my room, and checked my phone. _Fuck. _A missed call from Edward. One of the strangest things I could have done, and deep down inside I knew why, was to never return to our apartment, not even to pick up one single item. I went and checked into a motel, and there I stayed, till I found out I was fired from my job for not showing up. I then got a cheap apartment in the barrio, near downtown LA. I also never cancelled my cell phone, and even though I never paid the bill, I knew Edward did, and this left me, in all desperation, a smaller glimmer of hope, that maybe someday he'd call. But he didn't, and with each passing day, my depression became worse, and so did my drinking which quickly led to the drugs. Had Alice not found me...

Just seeing his name, for the first time in a long time, gave me shivers that ran from the tip of my head straight down the backside of my spine. It was like getting a missed call from a ghost, a dead person, and well come to think about it, he was dead to me.

I put the phone back on the end table, and started to walk out till Alice bombarded my space, and shut my door behind her, locking us both in the bedroom.

"He wants to see you, still. I didn't tell him anything, but I didn't know what to say either." Alice didn't smile, nor grit her teeth. She just looked emotionless. Her energy was so deflating, and seeing Edward's name pop up on my phone, I was at a loss, and even though I had just woken from a nap, tired.

"I need to think about it. Give me a few days. I mean, I don't even know what I would say," I feared the demon, that lay dormant, would surface at the sight of his face and internally I was struggling. _Fuck I need a drink, a hit, anything right now._

"Okay, your call Bella. I was just forewarning you," she said, as she leaned in and gave me a hug. "Hey, interested in getting some coffee with me?" She said, all enthusiastically.

I sighed, as I tried to calm my demon, and replied "Yeah, I can't handle another cup of mom's sleepy time tea."

The next few days, I eased into a routine. Afternoon walks with my mom; late night coffee runs with Alice. All of it, boring to say the least, but boring was what my body needed to rejuvenate... simplicity.

The days began to blend into weeks, and I felt myself strengthen slightly with each passing day. I had sold my car, cleaned out my apartment, and was now living back at my parents. Edward would only call occasionally, but each time he did, I sent his call straight to voice mail.

It wasn't until I unexpectedly ran into him that my world turned up side down. Seeing his face caused the pain to come rushing back, this time with a vengeance. I would never be able to look at that man, without thinking about my baby, the note he left near my hospital bed. All those emotions and grief, in that one instant was like having an aneurysm burst. It was like death, but a million times worst.

**************

**Edward's POV**

The swelling from my accident subsided, but my broken leg was becoming a burden. I had to admit, I did receive a lot of sympathy from my boss, at work, yet still, the one person that I wanted to hear from...

I tried calling her several times, and then I'd call Alice. Soon, after a few attempts at trying to get her to convince Bella to meet with me, she too, started ignoring my calls. All attempts to speak with Bella, was a complete and utter failure, till it happened.

Emmett, my new neighbor, feeling sorry for me asked me to dinner. At first, I thought he was gay, and clearly I was vulnerable, but I noticed that he talked often of some girl Rosalie, and he kept a picture of her inside his wallet. I finally relented, and being handicapped, we didn't venture far.

The closest Sushi restaurant was a pretty hip place, part high end eatery, and busy nightclub. Emmett proclaimed his love for all things Japanese, as well as warm Sake, and off we went.

Once inside, the drinks started flowing and before I knew it, I was comfortably numb. Emmett and I had some laughs, and to be honest, it was good to get out. I hadn't really done that since I left Bella, and just being out in public around people, in a social gathering, was healing to say the least.

As we were walking out, I dropped one of my crutches. Emmett bent down to pick it up, and when I grabbed it from him, I noticed the two women getting out of a car behind him. Something inside me began to stir, and seeing the brunette, I just knew. It was Bella.

She looked beautiful, dressed in black tights, heels and a long shirt. I gasped, as she turned around and noticed me, her jaw dropping open. Then I distinctly read her lips; _Fuck._

Emmett looked at Bella, and then looked back at me. He knew something was wrong, and looked to me for guidance, but I couldn't tear my eyes off Bella, not now, not at this moment.

Emmett decided to go and wait in his car, and Alice decided to head in to the restaurant, only nodding to me with a half smile as she walked by. Bella crept, as if she was going to follow Alice's lead. I quickly tried to move towards her. "Bella, please, I need to explain."

She didn't say anything, as she looked up into my eyes. I knew I had this one opportunity and as if I had taken truth serum, the words came pouring out of me. All of it, the blame I put on my self, the shame I felt after leaving her, the guilt I lived with for not checking on her, making sure that she was healthy, alive, well. A few times, I caught her biting her lip, her features softening, and for one moment, I thought maybe we could start off again, whatever that may be.

"Bella," I finally finished. "I would just like to be in your life; however you chose to accept me. Please."

She started biting her finger nails, and a worry look overcame her face. She stared down, silently, as if she was actually considering my plea.

"Edward, what you did to me... it... is unforgivable. I loved you... I still do. But I can not have you in my life, not now, not ever. That part of me, when our baby died, is gone... and I never want it to surface again. But you... leaving me, with a swollen stomach, bleeding, physically in fucking pain," she began to tear up, "Is so fucking... I would never marry a man like you, because you're not a man, at all, not in my eyes!" And with that, I felt the stinging pains of her words.

I watched her walk around me as she headed towards the restaurant entrance. Out front, some guy was standing there, a guy I knew in college, Jacob Black. He opened his arms, and Bella received him, giving him a kiss on the cheek as the two left my sight.

**********

I rubbed my eyes furiously, keeping back the rush of emotions that flooded me. My back hit the back of the bathroom wall, as I slid down to the floor, gripping the bottle of pain pills. I had just taken all of them, and my body was beginning to feel nauseous. I threw my head back, staring at the light fixture, noticing how uneven it was, something Bella used to complain about incessantly, Bella.

Bella was now dead, found in her car yesterday, with a fucking needle stuck in her arm. "Why Bella, fucking why?" I cried, as I thought about her death, her ending. She deserved better than that, even if I wasn't able to give her a good life.

I couldn't stand to live with out her, and in my complete and utter despair... I would sacrifice all, just to be with her again. The woman I loved with all my heart, the woman that I failed.

I could feel myself becoming incoherent, and the only words I could think of, were to a poem I had written in English class. A poem that had described the way I felt, after losing both my parents, an agony that I lived with, until the day I met Bella, only to be temporarily hidden and stowed away. An agony that would surface and destroy me, the day my daughter died, the day I lost Bella.

_I'm drowning in a sea of sorrow, and there is no one there to reach for my hand. I have become weak, and can not fight anymore. My body is sinking, and I have become invisible, swallowed by my world of despair. I give in to the sea, as she fills my lungs, my mouth. I succumb, I succumb. _

I closed my eyes for the final time, _Bella I love you._

_

* * *

_

A/N: Oddly enough, the inspiration for this story stemmed from a video by Prodigy; Smack My Bitch Up. The video is shown through a point of view, unknow to the viewer. While you watch the antics of the night, drug use, drinking, women; you realize at the end of the video, that it is from a women's point of view. The video was banned from MTV but I found it to be an amazing take on a some serious and desturbing behavior, and just reminds us all, that depression and anger came can affect any of one of us.


End file.
